Free..!!

A thousand moments to cherish

A thousand dreams to fulfill

A thousand desires to yearn;

Amidst battling these feelings

Are life’s complex choices;

Still, truth be told

All I want

Is - Be

Free

For to be free is not merely to cast off one's chains, but to live in a way that respects and enhances the freedom of others. - Nelson Mandela

The moment I have realized God sitting in the temple of every human body, the moment I stand in reverence before every human being and see God in him - that moment I am free from bondage, everything that binds vanishes, and I am free. - Swami Vivekananda


* Pics from net.

Addicted to you..!!

Driving down the road

I smile to myself

With thoughts of you

Written all over

I remember

Our bouts of laughter

I remember

Those crazy talks

I irritate you the most

But you always seem unruffled

Having you around

Insanity is always on my mind

Now when I leave

With no hard feelings

I realize

What I would miss the most

I wonder

If you will also reminisce

The place we first met

Seeing each other, when heart skipped a beat

I still go there

Sit down on the same rock

Play our favorite song

Strumming the guitar

The cool breeze reminds me

Of your hair flying in air

The sound of water

Reminds me of your laughter

Something connects me to you

I would never know

But the time spent with you

Would be the time cherished for sure

I wonder why it happens

Sometimes, heart aspires for something

Which one shouldn’t desire

If it’s being crazy then so be it

I wish you well

I wish you all the happiness

And if you should know

Yes, I still am so very addicted to you

Ransom..!!

SHORT STORY

(Fiction)

“Vinod, Vinod. Come here, fast.” Lekha screamed at top of her voice which could wake up even a dead lion but me. Not that I am a sound sleeper but on Sunday mornings I turn deaf to absolutely anything that comes between me and my sleep. One day of the week which I feel I work hard enough to deserve my peace. Unfortunately, I had to wake up when ignoring wasn’t an option anymore.

“What is it, Lekha? Are you alright? What happened? It’s just 8:30 and I am entitled sleep till 9:00 on Sundays.” I was still rubbing my eyes and hoping this could wait another half an hour.
“Read this and you will know. There are more important things in the world than sleep, Vinod. I was in the garden when someone threw this note along with a box.” Lekha was irritated and sobbing, I could tell.

I was stunned and my sleep vanished.

“Mr. Sharma, your daughter is with us. Safe, until now. As long as you give in to our demands, she will be safe but if you act smart, then we will send her to the point of no return. If you don’t believe us, then open the box which has a small video of her along with the piece of her dress. If you reach out to the cops, then I assure you that you will never see her again. Meet my man, Prakash, tomorrow at 5 pm sharp, right next to Gateway of India. Bring along 5 lakhs in cash and give it to him. He will tell you where your daughter is and this all will end, I promise.”

I read and re read this note over and over again. I opened the box and found the piece of Nikita’s dress and the video. Lekha burst out crying after seeing the video.
“Lekha, don’t worry. Niki is going to be home tomorrow. Even if I have to give in to their demands, then so be it.” There were so many thoughts crossing my mind and couldn’t think of anyone who could play such a dirty joke on my family.
“Vinod, you don’t understand or what. There are no “ifs”. You have to do as they say. Just give them the money and get my daughter back. Please don’t get your mind strategizing to find cues. They will kill her, Vinod. Just give the money to that guy tomorrow.”
“Lekha, you think I don’t know the repercussions. She is my daughter too. I promise you that nothing will happen to Niki and for now let me be alone and think through this. Don’t worry; we will have her back tomorrow. Just go and take some rest and act normal with all the servants.”

I rushed out of the room, straight to Niki’s room. Rummaging through her stuff was in vain as I didn’t know what I was looking for but I still did. I spoke to all her friends of her last few activities. In desperation, I called my friend Ajay, who was a police commissioner, hoping he would be able to track something and sort it out discreetly.

******************************

Somewhere in some hotel, Prakash was getting worried.
“Anil, are you sure, you want to do this. What if he calls the cops?”
“Prakash, stop it. Why will he call the cops? We have made it very clear that we will kill her and am sure he loves his daughter. You just play your part. You have to get the money and that’s it. Don’t spoil it now, we have worked really hard on this. Just be cool when you meet him. Once he gives the money let him know where his daughter will meet him. Prakash, we will be rich in a few hours. All the best.”

*******************************

Suddenly there was a knock on the door. Anil was pleasantly surprised to think that Prakash came so early.

“Dad, what are you doing here?” I could have slapped Nikita who looked so flustered but didn’t want to create a scene in front of strangers. And I was looking for the right words to speak before I blew my mind off.
“Niki, you are just 18 and I have seen more life than you. I would have given in to the demands of these so called kidnappers, had I not found this diary in your room where you have been writing about your new found love for Anil which both your mom and I have been unaware of. I am disappointed with you, Niki. How could you? You didn’t even think once of your mom and me.” And my anger knew no bounds when I looked at the guy. One slap on his face threw him on the floor.
“You really thought you can pull this off. Ajay, you might want to do rest of the talking with him. I have nothing to say.”
“Ok, dad it was my plan. Leave him. He didn’t do anything.” It was all too much for Nikita to grasp. She was so blinded by this guy.
“Nikita, you still are oblivious to all the facts. This guy who says he loves you, isn’t saying the whole truth. This is not the first time he has loved a rich girl. He has been conning girls for a few years now. He lures a girl into loving him and then talks about his weak financial condition and how little help would improve his life. Hence, a ransom of only 5 lakhs which is nothing for someone like your father. The idea is that a petrified but affluent family for whom such amount is meager would simply do as told and get their daughter back. These guys would get money and fly to an unknown destination and become untraceable. If your father wouldn’t have doubted this and contacted me, he would have been successful even this time.”

I was glad Ajay could speak to Nikita because with my soaring temper, I wasn’t thinking much.
“Oh! Dad. I am so sorry. I didn’t know all this about him. I thought we both loved each other and he was genuinely in financial trouble. I am so sorry, dad.”

I wasn’t hearing anything and maybe just thinking of ways she would be grounded now and for how long.

Forgotten..!!

There was a time

When I saw life here

When the birds chirped

When the flowers bloomed

When the kids played and circled around me

I gave shade to many a visitor
Some would take a nap
While others talked endlessly
The fruit of my branches
Filled those empty stomachs

I enjoyed their laughter
Heard their vows
I gave respite
From the scorching sun

But that was then
When I saw life here
Now there isn’t a leaf that moves
There isn’t the wind that heals

I wait here for that life
When I had it all
Before those slaughterers came by
And took it all away

I witnessed a lot of bloodshed
I saw terror in the eyes
Of innocent
As they were murdered
Ruthlessly

Those few who were left
Fled, to save their lives
Leaving me here
Waiting for life

Hoping they would come back
Again there would be life here
And a season of joy
Hoping I don’t remain deserted forever

Until then
I just wait
As I stand tall
My mood so somber
And state, forgotten
Oh! so forgotten

Stuck with you..!!

Short story.. Fiction..!!

I woke up pretty early today or maybe I didn’t sleep last night. So much better to blame it on the jetlag from my 3 week trip to India than on the crucial presentation I have today. I lighted the candle in my temple and just stared blankly.

Today is no different a day. Abundant sunshine and Monday morning hustle bustle. Work seems hard after a long break. Luckily, my office, being on the 44th floor and with an extra ordinary view, eases off so much work related stress. With that thought, I entered the elevator and even before closing fully, the elevator opened again.

“Oh great, and there goes my day!” I thought I was murmuring to myself but he did hear me.
“Excuse me..!!” he retorted, sipping his coffee.

“Nothing, can you just not hurry up. I am already late and want to give some finishing touches to my presentation before it starts.” I realized I couldn’t have been curt than this. But he deserved that.
“Oh, Ok! Just to make things clear a bit, I’d much rather walk up all the way to 44th floor than being here with you in an elevator.” Maybe he felt bad for having said that and hence responded with a Sorry immediately.

Siddharth and I work for the same ad agency. He meant the world to me. We both dreamt growing old together and singing lullabies to our grand children. Everything seemed so magical until he kissed her last month.

“What just happened? Why did the elevator stop suddenly? What was that noise? We haven’t even reached our floor yet. What’s going on?” I almost panicked.
“Stop. Just stop, Anushka. Your shouting isn’t going to help.” She still panics. Nothing has changed. Siddharth thought to himself.

“But why isn’t the elevator moving? This is not a good sign. What do we do now? I have to be in office.” My eyes were moving constantly and pushing all the buttons again and again. Nothing happened and my eyes caught Siddharth’s eyes, who was busy sipping his coffee and whistling. I couldn’t take it.
“I am so sure, Siddharth, you are behind this. You really want to mess up my presentation. Don’t you? I knew something terrible is going to happen ever since I got up this morning.” I always blamed him for anything wrong that happened. Nothing changed even now.

“Enough. Calm down, Anushka. I have nothing to gain of this situation. You are over-reacting. Just because I’m not hyper, doesn’t mean I’m enjoying this. You’ve done your bit by screaming for help and pushing all those buttons. All we can do is just wait. So for God’s sake, stop screaming and blaming me.”
“But it is . . .” I was cut short by a third voice which came through a speaker phone.

“Hello. This is Steve Clark, calling from the Admin. There is a technical snag in the elevator. We are on top of this and will keep you posted on the progress. Hopefully, it should be fine in a few minutes. Sorry for the inconvenience and highly appreciate your patience.”

“Oh! Thank you, Steve. You have no idea what you have done here. Thanks for saving my life, man. I owe you.” Siddharth smirked. He always teased me and especially when I was angry. If in 3 years, we did anything differently, it was handling such situations. I always panicked and he acted calm and composed. Wonder how he does that time and time again.

“So, how’s the presentation coming along? I am sure the clients are in for a surprise. You will do well, Anu.”
“First of all, I am Anushka. Let’s keep it that ways. Secondly, don’t try sweet talking me into something. It won’t work. What happens with my presentation is none of your business.” This definitely wasn’t how I expected my day to start.
“Ok, Anushka. I stay clear. But why are you so bitter? You never even gave me a chance to explain. You are the one who isn’t even talking to me.” In a way he was right but then there was nothing to explain.

“What would you say, Siddharth? There’s nothing between us. It’s all over.”
“For starters, I would like to explain my side of the story. It’s really not what you think. She means nothing to me.” I sensed truth in his eyes but couldn’t get myself to believe after what I saw.

“This is what you probably told her as well about me. Isn’t it? You think . . .” Before I realized his finger was already on my lips.
“Sssshhh. Just sssshhh. You know nothing, Anushka. I don’t love her. I never have. She kissed me. And it was unexpected. I had no idea. I was shocked and by the time I shoved her back, I saw you standing at the door. Everyone knows about her reputation in office, so why don’t you trust me? I have tried everything under the sun, ever since then. But you just disappeared. You refused to take my calls. You blocked my email id. I had no way to reach you and my only hope was Preeti. Since she is your best friend, I asked her to be the messenger but she also said it’s worthless.” I remember Preeti explaining everything but then I was too shocked to absorb anything. I guess I just wanted to run away and my India trip gave me exactly that opportunity.

“Why are you telling me this now, Siddharth?” I wanted to hug him. To believe him. But somehow my mind was going crazy with all the thoughts.
“You don’t understand, Anushka. Do you? I love you. Only you. I always have and always will. You complete me. You have no idea how this past month has been for me. You were with your parents and here I was all alone by myself. Being punished for something which wasn’t even my fault. You know, I thought if I get one chance to explain my situation, maybe you will understand. Maybe things will come back to normal. But it seems you have already made up your mind. And I . . .” Suddenly there is a jolt and the elevator’s again on its way.

Maybe I was harsh. Maybe I didn’t give him the chance to speak. Maybe I over reacted. The door of the elevator opened and Siddharth walked out first, wishing me luck.

“Hey Sid, game for lunch. I will be free by 12:30. Same place.”

We both smiled.

Yellowstone National Park..!!

Last week, we travelled to Yellowstone National Park, located mostly in Wyoming and extending to Montana and Idaho. Part of it, explains my absence from here. I think visiting a new place is one thing but after the trip coming back to your old routine is totally another. But ofcourse, this blog isn’t about my routine, maybe someday I will blog about it too, but right now lets not digress.

Yellowstone National Park is the largest and the oldest national park in US; came into being in 1872. New Zealand and Iceland are known for geysers, but nowhere are there as many as in Yellowstone. Interestingly, at the heart of Yellowstone’s past, present and future lies volcanism. History has it, that huge volcanic eruptions occurred here about 2 million years ago, then 1.3 million years ago and again 640,000 years ago. It is a fact that park’s present central portion collapsed, forming a 30 by 45 mile basin. The magmatic heat powering those eruptions still powers the park’s geysers, hot springs and mud pots. Rugged mountains flank the park’s volcanic plateau and the waterfalls highlight the boundaries of the lava flows and thermal areas.

If you are a nature person, then this is the place for you. It is serene and the air so pure. Luckily for us, the weather was equally good. They had predicted thunderstorms and heavy rains during the second day of our stay but a few showers here and there was all we experienced. Only thing missing during our trip was a convertible car. As if the weather, the rivers, the mountains, everything around was shouting to be as much a part of that awe inspiring beauty. Amidst all this, one memory that I will have close to my heart is the night we were actually driving towards the park. Picture a one lane road with less or no traffic at all. Complete darkness all around and mountains on the sides. So all you have is the light from the twinkling stars. It was a clear sky and all I saw in the sky was stars and in the car it felt like as if we were in a drive thru planetarium. It was a 3 hour drive and half of it, I spent staring out of my car window. Simply star gazing. As if that wasn’t enough, I ended up seeing two shooting stars as well. And maybe for the first time here in US. I remember seeing them in India but here I don't recall seeing them. Or maybe I never stared at the sky as much as I did that night.. :-) It was magical, indeed..!!

So here are some pics of the park in its full glory. I think what excited me the most was to see wildlife, which otherwise you don’t get to see here. But at the same time, I was disappointed that I couldn’t spot any grizzly bears. That’s one animal which has been difficult to spot, keeping aside the fact that we actually reside in the bear state, California.. :-)

The journey begins..

The camera definitely doesn't do justice to these pools which are there everywhere in Yellowstone. The colors aren't captured as they are. This one particularly was Opal Pool.

This one was my favorite - Sapphire Pool. It is one thing to click these pics and absolutely another to be a part of the whole experience while witnessing it with your eyes. I still feel the colors are not exactly as they are, seeing them in person.

This is the most sought after spot for pics. It is called the Old Faithful Geyser. Faithful because it erupts approximately every 90 minutes or so. People who come here, just sit and wait for it to erupt so that they could capture those moments. It is exhilarating.

This is the Yellowstone Lake, one of the largest high altitude lakes in North America. It is centered over the Yellowstone Caldera, the largest super volcano on continent.

And that's a bison. A very lazy one, infact. The first day we saw this bison sitting here as soon as we entered the park and i was all excited to sight it. And the next day, guess what. Same place, sitting almost in similar fashion. Now that's commendable..!! And I thought I have no competition in that department.. :-)

This is the beautiful Lamar valley. God's creation at its best.

Finally, we saw herds of bisons here.

Even though Grand Canyon is in Arizona, this is the Grand Canyon of Yellowstone. Some historians believe that the name yellowstone was coined because of the colors here in the canyon.

These are the lower falls, the biggest waterfall (308 ft tall) in the park. After Old Faithful geyser, it is the most photographed. Visible from the Artist Point, from where you see the canyon as well.

Can you sight a bunch of pronghorns? Though at a distance.

And this is a coyote and quite a sight to spot this on the road itself. Criss-crossing and cars coming to a halt to take a few pics. For quite sometime, kept walking along side the road. As if searching for something.

This spot is Mammoth Hot Springs. It is a large hill of travertine that has been created over thousand of years as hot water from the springs cooled and deposited calcium carbonate.

I like this pic more so for its name. It is called the roaring mountain. Lot of thermal activity at one spot. How cool is that..

This elk was sighted actually walking on the road. But by the time we could take a look, it had entered the forest. And so did we. Just to atleast have the pic.

This is a mud pot.

Check out the clouds. They have their own say. As if they wanted their own symmetry in the sky.

Don't these two hills look like a mirror reflection?

This was another one of my favorite spots. Grand Prismatic Spring. It is the largest hot spring in US and third largest in the world. The colors here were so beautiful. Absolute treat for the eyes.

And as if the park wasn't exciting enough, God had some more plans for us while we left that place. When we started our journey back, the weather was clear and slowly it became cloudy and then it started raining heavily. It didn't stop there actually, what followed was hail and then snow. Voila. We enjoyed the drive and for some time all the colors were invisible and all we saw was white snow. Quite a sight, it was. Made our journey even more memorable.

The only thing I miss is the time. Though 3 days is enough to scan every nook and corner of the park but it really isn't enough to spend time there and do nothing. Like i saw an old couple sitting by a river with feet in the water and coffee mugs in their hands. Or another couple, sitting on a hill. Husband is busy looking through the binoculars and wife is busy sketching. Or those bunch of people we saw on the top of a small rock waiting for the perfect moment to take a pic. More importantly, waiting for a grizzly bear.

Unfortunately, we didn't have time for any of these. We were literally rushing from one spot to another. Taking pics and hoping we don't miss something as were unsure of our next trip here. More importantly, were unsure of the weather as well. Didn't want to take any chances.

Phew..!! I am so ready for another trip now.. :-)

ps: All pics are mine but there is some info from wikipedia as well.. !!

Beneath a starlit sky..!!

Beneath a starlit sky

First time our eyes met

And they blessed the moment

When we decided to tie the knot

Twinkling stars illuminate the vicinity
And the trees provide the cool breeze
Just the perfect gathering
At the night of our wedding

With the moon shining so bright
A veil on my face and dressed in white
I hold my father’s arm
And music plays in the background

Seeing me, all the guests stand
They greet me with a smile
As I walk down the aisle
With flowers in my hand

Our eyes meet somewhere in between
All I see is our small world, so serene
My father kisses me
And hands me to him

The priest pops the question to him
He says “Yes” without even thinking
“Would you, my dear” then asks the priest
And all I say is “I do”, sealed with a kiss

I am yours
And you are mine
Vows taken to be together
Beneath a starlit sky

pic from the net & random thoughts.. :-)

Sweet Nothings..!!

Reminiscing…

The childhood days
Those carefree times
Brimming with mirth

Reminiscing…

The pillow fights
Throwing tantrums in fright
And then running out of sight

Reminiscing…

The singing and dancing
Counting stars in the night, giggling
The yelling and scolding

Reminiscing…

The splashing of water
Licking ice creams
While drenched in the rain

Reminiscing…

Playing pranks on friends
Grimacing to no end
Bunking classes for movie shows

Reminiscing…

Chasing butterflies
Sitting point blank
And staring at the sky
Hoping, wishing, praying

Reminiscing…

The pleasure and the pain
Of growing up
The joys and sorrows
Of the daily chores

Reminiscing…

All those moments
Which make life so exceptional
When God does the trick
And we call it “Magic”

Reminiscing…

Moments when you feel everything
But see nothing
Those “special somethings”
And “sweet nothings”

Life goes on..!!

Things would never be the same,

Time would never come back;

Let the bygones be bygones,

You would learn on your own.

It is a moment to live in,

It is a moment to enjoy the most;

It is only when the times change,

Is when we wish that everything remained the same.

Things never are the same,

Life has to always move on;

There would always be good moments,

To cherish and reckon with.

Nothing is more important in life,

Than the happiness of the near & dear ones;

It is only when we realize,

Those things would never ever be precise.

Things never would be the same,

It is a gift to enjoy;

What you have today,

As these moments would never come back again.

So, live in the moment,

As all that's there is the present;

Future is something we can't predict,

And past is always behind us.

Things would never be the same,

After all life is an endless journey;

The show must go on,

Irrespective of you are there or gone.

Life would teach you a lot of lessons,

Always have the courage to face them all;

It is not the end of road for ya,

But the beginning of a new era.

Lovers' Paradise..!!

Enchanting is your smile

Which weakens my heart

Everytime

Sizzling is your dance
Which leaves me
Craving for one more chance

Mesmerizing are your eyes
Which hide a million emotions
Inside of them

The journey of our love
Begins with you

As my quest for love
Ends at you

You are my destination
My life’s only mission
To hold you in my arms until eternity
Is my only necessity

The freshness in your voice
Soothes my palate
Your fragrance lingers on
Even long after you are gone

I wonder if you think the same
Understand, this is no fool’s game
Relationships survive on love and passion
With trust and faith as its foundation

All I can give you
Is an assurance
I will be yours forever
And with me, you will be secure

So, in lovers’ paradise
Do join me
Feel me
Complete me

The moment is now
To weave our own mystical dreams
And create everlasting
Memories

Stranger to me..!!

I close my eyes. And I remember. Some flashes of the past. Of the years gone by.

*********************************************************

I believe in God. I always did. Something I was told to believe in since childhood. I was told He would always be there to guide me. My best friend. He would give me all the happiness in life which I ever wanted. And thus, I grew up with that belief. And my belief was stronger everyday.

I was born on Diwali day. While others celebrated the festival of lights, my parents celebrated my arrival. My mother, especially. My father wanted to have a son. But over the years, he came to terms with life and it's all sorts of gifts. And I was one such gift for him. They named me Disha. They believed that I came in their life and gave them a direction. Baba died when I was 10 years old. Amma recalls that was the last time she saw me smile. The spark in my eyes that could light up the room, disappeared with the demise of Baba. Unfortunately, I have faint memories of those beautiful 10 years of my life with my Baba. Amma says Baba always considered me his lucky charm. I had 3 siblings. All three sisters. Baba's failed attempts to have a son, who would make his family name proud and carry on the legacy. But all in vain.

I was given the responsibility to be mature at the age of 10. I worked odd jobs with Amma to earn our livelihood so that my sisters could be alive. That was my sacrifice for the family. Unknowingly. But I remember Amma telling me to never lose faith in God. He would always guide me to where I want to be. She told me that these initial tough years would guarantee a life of comforts in the years to come. I believed her. I Believed Him. I had faith.

I was 16 when Amma traded me off for some money. I don't remember much of that fateful day, but there was a man in his late 30s, who came home and gave high hopes to Amma. His lips were all red because of the paan, he ate every 10 minutes. I remember Amma crying and saying again and again that she could not do this to me. That I am still a child. That "brothel" is not the place for me. The word stuck with me, as it was very new to me and unheard of. I didn't understand it then. That night, Amma told me that she has to let me go. That she is trying to secure a life for other 3 girls. That she was sorry. That I shouldn't ask her too many questions now. But just have my faith stronger in God.

I have faint memories of the next morning. I sat in a bullock cart with the same man, whom I saw for the first time the day before. I saw Amma crying profusely. I felt the tears were even more than what she shed on Baba's death. I didn't understand then as she had assured me that it was for everyone's well being. That was my sacrifice for my family. Unknowingly. She gave me a painting of Ganesha. The only one at home and told me He was my protector from now on. I was confused, if God came with me then who would take care of them. But Amma had 3 other daughters.

Shabina Begum welcomed me with open arms. She was a woman of short stature with long dark tresses and kohl eyes. She called me an angel. She trained me in different dance styles and face expressions. There were other girls of my age over here and we all danced and sang together. I loved everything about that place except the nights. Because at night we had to dance in front of drunk old men, who called us all sorts of things. Maybe that's why Amma cried because she knew where I was going. I missed her. I know she did too because I had God. He no longer was at my home. Amma gave it to me for my well being.

Time flew by. Days became months and months turned into years and I blossomed into womanhood. I didn't even realize when I turned 26 but not a single day passed without remembering Amma. I yearned to meet her but Shabina Begum told me I couldn't see her because I was traded off. But she sent money to Amma every month without fail. She told me she did. I believed her.

Then, came fateful Diwali night, the same year. After the dance, Shabina Begum told me there was a man, who was willing to marry me. I didn't want to, somehow I had come to liking this place with Sabina Begum around. I believed this to be my home away from home. But Shabina Begum mentioned that I was "fortunate" that there was a respectable man who asked for my hand in this "brothel" business. The term I understood so well now. She had the same tears Amma had while I left home. Shabina Begum assured that if I say yes, then I would be able to send more money home to Amma. That was my sacrifice for my family.

My husband was in his mid forties and married me for free sex every night. I don't remember a day when he didn't come home drunk and didn't beat me. I don't remember a day when I didn't give in to his screaming. I don't remember a day when I didn't cry like Amma did, sitting alone in the dark. I remembered Amma telling me that God was my protector and I waited for Him to show up. But every night, nothing changed.

Ten long years passed and I couldn't give him a child. So my husband married again and I was left to wander around at home like a maid. But God was there. I know it because my husband sent the promised money to Amma every month. Infact, he gave it to me and I sent it myself with a hope that someday I could tell Amma what I had become. Would she cry the way she did then? Would she hug me tight? That was my sacrifice for my family.

It was the day of Diwali, when I ran away from home. From my husband. From the town where I lost everything and all I got in return was tears. Ramu kaka, who used to send the money to Amma, helped me buy a bus ticket to my home town. To Amma. To go back to where I belonged. To see Amma after so many years. To see those tears again but this time it would be shed in happiness.

Today, I reached home. Finally. Amma saw me but didn't recognise. After all, it was 20 long years. She bid good bye to a girl and I returned today, a woman. She led a healthy and peaceful life, I could tell. My sacrifice didn't go futile. Her eyes were moist when she realized it was me. Her Disha. But she didn't hug me. All she mustered up to say was I shouldn't have come back. My sisters were married and well settled in respectable homes. My sudden appearance would shatter their lives. Amma didn't talk much about me to the other 3 sisters, I could tell. I didn't exist here. Amma didn't ask me about my well being. I didn't belong here. All she said "You shouldn't have come back. You shouldn't have come back. Couldn't you stay in the dark and sacrifice yourself completely for the family?" Now I saw the same tears in her eyes. Tears of letting me go. Tears of not having me back ever. I didn't understand then. I understood now.

I turned back and walked. I stared at the mirror, which Amma had decorated at the entrance door. I saw a reflection there. Not clear anymore of who she was. Looked like a stranger to me. And I closed the door.

**********************************************************************

I open my eyes, as I stand here in front of Shabina Begum's doorsteps. One deep breath. This is where it all began. After all, this is the place where Amma traded me off. My home away from home. For the first time in years, I don't have any tears. No remorse. Maybe God didn't want me there. Maybe I didn't belong there in that world anymore. Maybe He gave me the hints before but I never understood them. Maybe this is my final sacrifice for my family. For their well being. Finally, God did protect me from my miseries. I smile. I walk in and accept the new reality of my life. My identity for as long as I live now.

Randy Pausch - A tribute..!!

Some times some unknown people touch your heart. They give you the lessons of life which one knows but somehow fails to value them. This is a tribute to one such person, I came to know oflate. I don’t know him personally but my prayers go for him and wishes for the well being of his family.

Randy Pausch
Professor of Computer Science, Human Computer Interaction, and Design
Carnegie Mellon University, Pittsburg, Pennsylvania.
b. Oct 23, 1960 d. July 25, 2008

Yes, I am paying my tribute to Randy Pausch. For the man he was, for the inspiration he gave others and for the life he lived.

In August, 2006, Randy was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. Pancreatic cancer is one of the most deadly cancers, with only 4% 5-year survival rate. But I came to know him only when he delivered “The Last Lecture” at his university in Sep, 2007. Basically, Last Lecture is modeled after an ongoing series of lectures where top academics are asked to think deeply about what matters to them, and then give a hypothetical "final talk," i.e., "what wisdom would you try to impart to the world if you knew it was your last chance?" He also commented on the irony that the "Last Lecture" series had recently been renamed as "Journeys": "I thought, damn, I finally nailed the venue and they renamed it." Amidst a lot of media hype and his critical condition, the doctors had given him 3 – 6 months of life max. And he gave this lecture, when he was already past 1 month. To have a sense of humor at a time when your personal life is in shambles is an incredible feet and I am in complete awe.

So did he sob in the lecture? Did he state his sorrows there? Did he question God for why He chose him? Did he look flustered? No. Imagine a person who knows his death is just around the corner, to still be happy and live every moment. Cherish it because he doesn’t know how many of these moments are left. My words can’t describe the lecture he delivered but all I admire is the sense of humor of the man, who is in his death bed. The clock is ticking every second and here he is cracking jokes and spreading optimism. Unknowingly, inspiring so many others to celebrate life and live every moment. Enabling others to achieve childhood dreams for there is nothing grander than being able to accomplish something dreamt in childhood.

I have to admit that after watching that lecture last year, I had forgotten about this kind and spirited soul. I went on, getting lost in the daily chores of life until, last week, when he was again in the news. But this time, only because he wasn’t alive anymore. He passed away on July 25, 2008 and I watched the video again. His wife, Jai, was interviewed couple of months back and she said she was at peace with the circumstances even though she didn’t like what was happening. But she had come to terms after days of crying as their kids were still oblivious to the fact.

Randy mentioned “You cannot change the cards you are dealt. Just how you play the hand.” Of what I read of him now, he truly lived by this quote. He couldn’t change what destiny had in store for him but he made sure that he would spend all his time left happily with his family. Do all those crazy things with his children which he hadn’t. Create sweet memories that they would cherish all their life. Love his wife every minute and make her feel special. And all of this without crying and bickering of what is inevitable in the near future.

“Experience is what you get when you didn’t get what you wanted”.

“Don’t bail; the best gold is at the bottom of barrels of crap.”

“Find the best in everybody; no matter how you have to wait for them to show it.”

“Be prepared: “Luck” is where preparation meets opportunity.”

“The brick walls are there for a reason. They are not there to keep us out; the brick walls are there to give us a chance to show how badly we want something. They are there to stop the people who don’t want it badly enough.”

These are all excerpts from his lecture. Ever since the lecture was posted on you tube last year it has already been viewed by millions of people and the last 2.5 million in the past one week since his death. Very few people can live smilingly after knowing the certainty of their life. The certainty of how the next moment you might not be there. Randy was prepared and prepared his family too. I also finished reading his book “The Last Lecture” today which is simply an extension of the lecture he gave. One small story in the book which moved me was that recently he had gone to a grocery store and how when he swiped the credit card on the self scan aisle for 16$ worth groceries, it didn’t register and he didn’t get any receipt. He swiped the card again and this time he got 2 receipts, meaning his card got swiped twice for 32$ worth groceries. So now he had a choice to make – whether to bring this up with the store manager and get his 16$ crebited or walk away to be with his family. He chose the latter simply because his time was ticking. He knew he’d rather spend those 15 minutes more with his family than bickering with the store manager over 16$.

Now when he is gone, I can only hope and wish that may his soul rest in peace. May God give the strength to his family to go through this ordeal. To his wife, Jai, who had been his pillar of strength for the last 2 years ever since the diagnosis. To his 3 lovely children (Dylan, Logan & Chloe aged 6, 4 & 2 yrs respectively), who would live the rest of lives listening to stories about their father. I feel sad for them, being deprived of the love from their father at such an early age, who was a true inspiration for so many alive today.

Sometimes, we take everything for granted. We don’t realize the worth of time gone by. One realizes the importance only when one doesn’t have enough of it. I feel amidst all the mayhem, ambiguity and distress, what we forget is the moments we are losing out on. The moments of sheer bliss, the fortune of being alive, the hope for realizing our dreams. Randy’s spirit only makes me realize that not everyone is lucky enough to be alive even if they are kind and angel like. And I think for the rest of my life I will always be reminded of what he said in the commencement ceremony in CMU, Pittsburg in May 2008:

“I waited 39 years to get married because I had to wait that long to find someone where her happiness was more important than mine. And if nothing else, then I hope that you can find that kind of passion and that kind of love in your life”.

And love these ending words from the Lecture:

"It’s not about how to achieve your dreams. It’s about how to lead your life. If you lead your life the right way, the karma will take care of itself, the dreams will come to you."

Randy ensured that he lived every moment, cherished every memory he was creating for his family, plan his time well which was cut short by far too many years. Now he is gone, leaving others inspired to celebrate life for we are still ALIVE.

“Kabhi kisi ko mukammal jahan nahi milta;
Kahin zameen toh kahin aasman nahi milta”

A smile..!!

A smile to God
For listening to our cheers and woes
A smile for my parents
For ever being so benevolent

A smile for my friends
For giving them my perpetual headaches
A smile for my family
For being always there for me

A smile for work
For at times it is indeed some good fun
A smile for colleagues
For being ever so receptive

A smile for teachers
For pushing us towards our goals
A smile for children
For making everyone feel like one

A smile for nature
For the beauty galore
A smile for music
For our terrible mood swings

A smile for dance
For simply rejuvenating
A smile for yummy food
For making our stomach so full

A smile for my car
For taking me everywhere
A smile for strangers
For the sake of a cheer

Last but not the least
A smile for me
For no reason absolutely

Strive for excellence..!!

There is a thin line that differentiates perfection from excellence. If any one person at any given point would have been perfect then there wouldn't have been enough to do in his lifetime. But this is not the case. Perfection can never be attained. All our lives we strive for excellence as to be the best is what drives us to deliver the best. If we all would have been perfect then we would have been God ourselves who created this world. Everyone has flaws but some have the knack to hide those flaws and show the world their strengths. It is this ability which differentiates a successful person from an unsuccessful one. Everyone has their own weak points but it is the way we would like to project ourselves to the world is what matters the most. Some people brood over the fact that they can't achieve what their peers have while others don't have the time to think about what others are doing. It is the go getter attitude that defines our altitude.

Life is all about permutation & combination. It is how we crack the code is what defines our capabilities for what we can achieve. It is not that we don't get the opportunities but it is about how to capitalize on them. If only we would stop yearning for being the perfect self is when we can create our self in a different platform. It is only when we let our self loose and adapt the changes around us is when we prepare ourselves for excellence which is attainable. It is the craving for knowing the world from a different angle is what creates a successful person. It is all about looking at the Chandelier. It does shine from any angle you see but just that it is that one angle which adds all the glitter to it. So, it is upto us to rummage around for that 'one angle' which can make us shine and thus conquer brilliance.

A dream to be..!!

I have a dream

To achieve

To believe

But still

Be ME

I have a dream
To create
To evolve
But still
Be ME

I have a dream
To rise
To shine
But still
Be Me

Yes,
I too have dreams
Dreams that make me smile
As there is nothing more beautiful
Than to live in my dream

So, here I sit
Uninterrupted
Just trying to

Dream the dream which is full of hope for a better tomorrow
Dream the dream which will teach me life’s simple pleasures
Dream the dream which is going to bring lots of laughter
Dream the dream in hope of making it a reality

A reality
Which is nothing but simply
Just to be ME
Till eternity

Waiting for a miracle (Conclusion)..!!

After 6 hours long operation, Karan came out with a sober face. Rahul was jittery and he didn’t want to hear the bad news.
“The operation was successful. Kriya would be in ICU for 2 days under observation. There are no complications and she is breathing just fine. She should be awake in couple of hours and you can see her then. Few days and she can go home but she will have to keep coming back for regular check ups.” Karan told Rahul.
“Thanks, man. Thanks for saving her. I am so very grateful to you.” They hugged.
“But, Rahul there is a bad news. She won’t be able to conceive again. I am so sorry.” Tina had already come there by now and listening to Karan she cried vehemently and just hugged Rahul tight.
Rahul stood there still and tears trickling down his eyes and couldn’t move. As if the whole world came shattering down.

**************************************************

Present:

Today it was their anniversary again. It’s been 2 years since that fatal accident but still is fresh in Kriya’s memories. It still haunts her. Even though Rahul has been ever supportive of her but they both have a feeling of loneliness deep within. All this time, she hasn’t been able to forgive herself. She still blames herself for talking over the phone while driving that day. Tears were trickling down her eyes as she looked out of her home window. Suddenly her phone buzzed.

“Hey, Tina. How are you?”
“What’s with the sad tone, girl? Don’t tell me you are sitting again thinking about the past. Wipe your tears and get ready. I’m coming to pick you up. We will go out for lunch and catch up on the last week’s stories.”
“Tina, not today. I am really not in a mood. Please just not today.”
“You know it, Kriya, I won’t take no for an answer. I’ll be there in 15 minutes. So see you then.” And she disconnected.

They went to a nice Chinese restaurant and were waiting for their order to come.
“Ok! Kriya, first of all, wish you a very Happy Anniversary and here’s a small gift for you and Rahul from Karan and me. I know you don’t like gifts, but I am sure you won’t say no to this. Open it and tell me what you think.”
Kriya was taking her own sweet time to open the gift carefully, making sure the wrapper stays intact.
“Kriya, it’s Ok. If you like the wrapper so much then shall get you in bulk. You can tear this one apart and just see the gift. I am anxious to see your reaction.”
Kriya opened the gift and tears trickled down her eyes.
Tina held Kriya’s hand, wondering the reaction “I didn’t mean to make you cry, Kriya. I thought you will love this.”
“Oh! ofcourse I do, Tina. I couldn’t have been happier. This means a lot, thanks.” Kriya was a strong devotee of Ganesha. Nothing else mattered to her more than her prayers to Him. She had a huge collection of Ganesha in different styles, art, work, paintings, all over her home.
“I knew you would love this and wouldn’t say no. Ok, listen, now there is another surprise for you. Remember, I told you about the 7 day trip that I won for exceptional performance in my team. Finally, I have got the tickets today. Karan and I have decided that Rahul & you definitely need a change of place so instead of us, you both would be flying to Paris.”
“What. Paris. Tina you must be out of your mind. There is no way we can go. Rahul & I don’t have any leave so you guys just go ahead. I don’t need any trips. I have work here which I can’t let go.”
“Yeah, did you say it all or something is still left? You both are going and I am not listening to any of your crap. Full stop. It has been decided. That’s it. You know I don’t take No for an answer, Kriya so why are you even trying.”

After a lot of persuasion from Tina & Karan, Rahul & Kriya flew to Paris. This was their first trip there and they looked at the city in complete awe. It just couldn’t have gotten better. The soft music in the background and the Eiffel Tower in the evening was alluring and for once they seemed to have forgotten their sadness and were back to being their self like before. Their hotel room overlooked the Eiffel Tower and they cherished every moment of exploring the city. Just a day before when they were about to leave, Kriya overheard the hotel receptionist talking about the Magical Fountain where wishes come true. Kriya, curious to know more, enquired about the place and went to visit it.

She reached the fountain and took out the coins from her bag. Somehow gasping for breath, she just sat down for a while, close to the fountain. Her mind was racing with different thoughts but the droplets of water falling on her face gave her some inner tranquil. She closed her eyes and took a deep breath. With tears flowing down her cheeks, all she could say was “I would be lying if I say I am extremely happy and contended but I don’t blame you for that. All I want is inner strength and a hope to never lose the faith I have in you. I will wait for my turn if there can ever be a miracle. And yes, even as I speak, I do have faith.” She threw the coins and walked away. Tinkerbell, who was listening to her prayers, was touched by her honest wish. She felt the sadness in her voice and a tear trickled down.

Kriya went straight to her hotel room. Rahul had a surprise waiting for her.
“Kriya, I haven’t said this to you in days or even months but I always have. I loved you even when I didn’t say and I love you even more when I am saying.”
“What took you so long, Rahul? What happened to us? I love you too and missed you so much. These 6 days have been eternity for me. After a long time I have felt being free.” Kriya was crying and hugged Rahul. Rahul took her out on the hotel balcony where he had made the arrangements for a candle light dinner. Kriya was still in tears and he held her tight and wiped her tears. “Come, let’s enjoy us. Let’s celebrate our last day here in Paris.” They both hardly ate and were yearning to be in each others arms. They hadn’t seen each other like this in quite sometime now.

The next day they returned back. Tina & Karan picked them up from the airport.
“So how was your trip? Hope you guys enjoyed and had a nice time. Show me the photos. Ok, what did you get for me?” Tina said it all in one breath and then noticed both of them sitting close and thought it indeed was a worth it trip. Kriya smiled, looking at Tina.
“It is so nice to see you smiling, Kriya.” Tina hugged Kriya while dropping them at their home.
After a few days, Kriya went for her regular check up and found out she was pregnant. All she could think of was to call Rahul. She still didn’t believe what happened but she was happy and thanked God for a second chance.

Tinkerbell felt happy that she could bring happiness to Kriya and glad she granted her wish who waited so long for a miracle.

Waiting for a miracle (Part I)..!!

“OK! Where the hell did you keep my wallet, I can’t find it anywhere.” Screamed Rahul, trying to leave for office in the morning.
“It is right there on the table, where you kept those papers. Can’t you just see before screaming.” Answered back, agitated Kriya packing lunch boxes.
"You know I am always in a rush in the morning so why don't you keep my stuff all together. Anyways, did you sign those papers for the insurance. I will take them now."
"Clearly, i have my own errands to run in the morning, so you should take care of it yourself, Rahul. I haven't signed the papers, didn't find time. I shall get them to your office by evening."
Rahul slammed the door and left for office in disgust.

This has been an every day story. Both Rahul & Kriya have lost the charm. The magic that used to be there in their relationship has long gone. All that is left today is two strangers sharing the same roof. Two souls who leave in a rush in the morning for office and come back late in the evening.

Things were never like this between the two. They were dating for 4 years before they finally decided to tie the knot. This was 5 years back. But last 2 years have been very difficult for both of them emotionally. It seems like yesterday when they both seemed so happy and yearned for each others company.

************************************

2 years back:

Kriya was 7 months pregnant and every thing seemed so perfect. At times, even their friends used to envy their relationship. One day as Kriya was getting dressed to leave for office, Rahul came from behind and put a beautiful diamond pendant in her neck.
“Hey beautiful, I win again this year. I am the first one to wish you a happy anniversary consecutively for the third year in a row. Now, how does that make you feel?”

Kriya feeling embarrassed only could say “Thanks, hon. Oh! I wish I could do something to my memory. Let me just kiss and make it upto you”. They both smiled and kissed and left for office.

While on her way to office, Kriya called up Tina, her friend of 8 years “Hey there. So, are we all set for today evening?”
“Don’t you worry, dear. I have it all under control. I know with a bloated tummy like yours, you wouldn’t have managed it without me. So, just relax as all the arrangements are done”. Assured Tina.
“You know Rahul just gave me a beautiful diamond necklace and is still thinking that I forgot about our anniversary again this year. Thanks to you, there is a surprise party arranged now which I am sure will really take him on cloud nine.”
“Forget about everything that you just said. I am still hooked onto the first sentence. You got a what. Diamond necklace. Girl, aren’t you just plain lucky. You guys have been together for so many years but still have a relationship so fresh. Karan should learn a bit from Rahul. But honestly, Kriya, am really happy for you. You couldn’t have really asked for more.”
“Ok, now before you get all mushy again let me just hang up as Rahul is calling. I will talk to u later. Bye.”
“You just left 10 minutes back and he is missing you already. Let me call Karan right now then. Bye babes, and don’t worry about the evening. It shall be a night to remember.”

“Hey, sweets. What’s up?” Said Kriya answering the phone.
“Did you reach office or are you still driving?” Rahul sounded cautious as he never liked Kriya driving and talking over the phone. One quality he totally detested but couldn’t do much about it as she had her way.
“I will be there in 10 minutes. Don’t worry I have my eyes on the road even while I talk. Tell me, why you called.”
“Nothing, I just called to know the plans for the evening. I have booked dinner for two in your favorite resta…..”
“Hey, listen, hold on. I told you we have to go for my office party today. We have to be there as my boss is also coming down. Don’t you remember?”
“Yeah! I thought it might ..... what was that noise… Kriya. Hello. Are you there. Hello….. what happened.” Rahul tried to connect again but phone was not reachable.

Rahul panicked and sensed something wrong happened. He picked up the car keys and rushed to Kriya’s office place. On the way he called her colleague but Kriya hadn’t reached office yet. Just few blocks from her office, Rahul saw her car toppled over and another SUV smashed few meters away. His heart skipped a beat. He rushed to the car but she wasn’t there. The cops told him that she was severely injured so the para medics took her to the hospital.

At hospital, doctors told Rahul that her condition was very critical and he would have to decide whether to choose the baby or her. “Save Kriya. Save her, please Karan. Do anything, everything, whatever you can but save her, Karan.” Rahul said frantically without batting an eyelid. He signed few papers and the operation started. Rahul made all the necessary phone calls to family and friends.

********

Conclusion in next post..!!

Fear of unknown..!!

The lush green forest is a temptation

To explore the unknown

And yet we walk on the trail

Already hiked before

There is a feeling
A feeling of being lonely
A feeling of walking the path
And have some strange encounters

A feeling of being lost
A feeling of facing the danger
A feeling to just be warned
It is times like these
When one yearns for a company

A company
To keep your mind occupied
A company
To make you feel secured

In times like these
A company
Of even foes turn into friends
As together they take on the task
Of walking the mighty jungle

It is this trust
That brings together
Even a cat and a dog
As they know
Nothing could do more harm
Than the fear of unknown